THREE YEARS LATER, I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE I BELONG. I attended the Church of God (Seventh Day) for about two years, when, unable to make the Sabbath-morning Bible study, I wanted to just go to the service, and I couldn't quite remember the time, since I was used to doing both, so I looked it up in the Yellow Pages, having seen the times there, and saw an ad for a Messianic congregation. I went there for the Holy Days, and returned to COG7 for the other Sabbaths, as I still felt more at home there.
After about a year and a half or so of going to both congregations, I found myself deciding to just go to the Messianic congregation. Besides the Biblical Holy Days, there were always various other Jewish holidays, or preparations for them, and I'd found myself going there, more and more, anyway. I find it delightful to be part of a community made up of Jewish and non-Jewish people who wish to be a bridge between both phases of God's people. I am thrilled to finally have people to observe the Holy Days with, especially because this group's origin is untainted with the authoritarian nonsense of the Worldwide Church of God. I do go back to the Church of God (Seventh Day), though, from time to time, to keep in touch with old friends. I told this to a home group of ex-Worldwiders, and they were amazed it was possible to do this without risking hostility or repercussions!
Strangely enough, though, I find in the Messianic movement, the charismatic influence is in many ways stronger than the Jewish influence, since many of the Jewish believers were not religious Jews, so all their religious training has been in Bible Colleges. Those Jewish people who have had the advantage of yeshiva training (or even rabbinical training) have an advantage, but in our area, they are very rare. Still, the Jewish tradition of common practice keeps Messianic groups in fellowship with each other, regardless of differences of opinion, and a variety of beliefs is tolerated in my congregation, though a few times, there have been moves for greater uniformity, which have been vigorously fought against.
For the first time since running into my two old friends from Worldwide, I've found a pocket of ex-Worldwiders in the Messianic group, and while I began to hang around with them at first, since the congregation was very clicquish, I am trying to break out of this more and more. I don't want to be an ex-ANYTHING, even though that is my history, I want to let go of it. That's part of what writing the article was about.
As is usual in my life, though, when I feel a pressure NOT to do something, I end up doing it. More and more, I am running into ex-Worldwiders, and frankly, they are in more emotional pain than most cancer patients I know. My heart goes out to them, and I wish I could help in some way. I seem to run across two basic kinds of ex-Worldwiders: those who have been able to move on to another church, and those who are in hiding at home. The first group often still have the judgmental, negative, critical mindset from Worldwide, and can be argumentative and sometimes more cruel than the average person I meet. The second group, obviously, I am only now just learning about from friends: I did go to one home group of ex-Worldwiders, but other than that I just hear from friends about people who are still too emotionally fragile to risk going to a church service.
It's interesting that, as my daughter's sixteenth birthday draws near, she wants a pet hedgehog, so I've learned more than I want to know about these cute little critters. They are, apparently, extremely timid and easily spooked, and must be very slowly allowed to feel comfortable in their surroundings before approached, and then one must go ever so slowly, not to terrify them. The ex-Worldwiders "in hiding" seem to me very like that. Of course, I understand why: they have been hurt about as much as a person can be hurt. When I said there are parallels between sexuality and spirituality, I find it's truer than I knew: people who have been spiritually abused find it as hard to trust as victims of sexual abuse. Much as it awakens painful old memories in me, I don't want to reject people who so badly need love and reassurance.
Ex-Worldwiders are not much-loved in the churches. They have a reputation for being argumentative, legalistic, troublesome, and unable to commit to a congregation. One more sympathetic Messianic pastor said, "I feel for those people, but what can you do? They're under such bondage." The fact that many ex-Worldwiders can expect to be given the cold shoulder in churches doesn't help, and I suspect many stay "in the closet," religiously-speaking, though I can usually spot one across the room, whether of the strident or timid type. It makes me angry that we're like cattle with someone's brand on us! Others seem oblivious, though, so "passing" is not that hard, so long as one avoids stirring up controversy.
I wrote this last part in September of this year, and just a month later, one of my friends was called in to be interviewed by the Messianic leader and a few elders, regarding his beliefs and background, since he had pushed for the congregation to offer daytime services during the Holy Days. The experiment was tried, and the turnout was surprisingly good. Many who attended were from various backgrounds: most wouldn't even know what the term "Worldwide" meant. At that time, the pastor and elders interviewing my friend were puzzled at why ex-Worldwiders would want to worship with Messianics, since many of the basic beliefs are different. "Wouldn't you be more comfortable starting your own group?" one asked. Even though the interview went well, and they were satisfied, my friend asked, "Why did you single me out? Are you going to interview all the ex-Worldwiders in the congregation?" and the response from one person was, "Maybe we should!"
I couldn't believe it. After all these years, the terror, the chills, the fear came back. To me! To me, who has been through everything, from business loss to bankruptcy, being hounded and put out of business unjustly by the tax man, illness and loss of nearly everything -- and still, this threat filled me with a terror almost impossible to describe, except to someone who already knows. I was frantic. What would I do if they wanted to interview me? I would just quit. I wouldn't let them do that to me. I was speaking to two friends, the one who'd been interviewed, and another one from a different background, and finally, I said, "No, I won't let them drive me out, but I won't be interviewed. If they ask me, I'll just refuse, and they'll have to throw me out!"
I am sure that this chilling effect would have astonished these people, who have no idea what we've been through, and probably have no intention of ever doing the things we've seen. But still, at the slightest sign of the congregation being taught to "tow the line," we have visions of Worldwide. I said to one person, "Don't they know that we're like the canary in the coalmine? We're likely to faint at the first whiff of poison gas. They can use us as a distant early warning that they are on the road to becoming abusive."
The friend I said this to (an ex-Worldwider who sometimes comes to the Messianic congregation on the Holy Days, but is happy to remain with the congregation he has chosen to fellowship with) agreed with me, but warned me with a quote from Mark Twain, "A scalded cat is afraid of even cold water." I thought that was interesting. How much of my response was a true one, based on experience, and how much was just an old remnant of bad days, no longer relevant to the here and now? I still struggle with this. Then I get angry. This was more than seventeen years ago, and still I'm being lumped into this category!
Why would I be "lumped in"? Well, yes, I have had a tendency to spend time talking to other ex-Worldwiders in the congregation, but many of those "we" hang out with are not: some are from other cults, some from other mainstream Christian groups. What we have in common is a passion for the whole Bible, and a rejection of what I call "the Noachic heresy" that is rampant throughout the Messianic Movement. That is, we don't believe that God's Law is for the Jews only, but for all mankind. And "I" don't just "hang out" with these people either. I make it a point to get to know new people, talk to different people, and touch base with various people that don't get along with these other friends. I don't like cliquishness, and while friendship often degenerates into it, I've been trying not to be that way.
Many Messianics have adopted the mainstream Jewish belief in the "Noachide Covenant," the supposed covenant God made to all mankind after the Flood. At that time, God is supposed to have covenanted with man that so long as they kept the basic moral law, they would be accepted in His sight. Jewish people believe this, essentially, for two reasons: one, it makes it easier for them to be tolerant of people of other faiths, since, so long as they keep the "Noachic Laws" they will be justified in God's sight; and two, it makes it unnecessary for them to seek converts or teach the Law to Gentiles, since it wasn't meant for them. This makes sense when one is part of an insular ethnic and religious group that wants to avoid becoming intolerant.
For Messianic believers, this Noachic doctrine creates more problems than it solves. For one thing, the Messianic Movement never intended to be as insular as Judaism in general, and it isn't: the large percentage of their congregations are not Jewish, and while it is something they wring their hands over, it is something they have allowed and even encouraged. The Noachic idea just serves to separate Jewish and non-Jewish believers, since one should be keeping the Law, and the other should not. The covenant is with the one, not the other. There is much New Covenant teaching refuting this idea, which also was rampant in the time of the apostles, being a natural error. "In Yeshua, there is neither Jew nor Greek..."
The other problem with this Noachic concept is the fact that many Messianics are doctrinally more Charismatic Protestant than they are Jewish, so they tend to believe the law is "done away," but that, as Jewish people, they worship on the Sabbath and festivals as part of their "Jewish heritage," something quite unnecessary for Gentiles to do, and a practice that is viewed with suspicion. But, to actually keep the days, and not work on them, is more than many Messianics -- even the Jewish ones -- are willing to do. The congregation I fellowship with has a bookstore, and they buy and sell tapes and books on the Sabbath; many work on the Sabbath. One of the cantors shooed us out of the evening service on one of the Holy Days, because he had to go to work the next morning! I've even known Jewish congregants to work on the Day of Atonement, and not be ashamed to admit it. So, yes, we ex-Worldwiders have not lost our respect for God's Appointed Times, and we are disciplined not to work on those days. Period. Those who feel as we do tend to fellowship more with us, because they "feel wrong" with some of these other things.
This is probably because we come from a mid-sized Canadian city that has a very small Jewish population. Only 1% of our city's population is Jewish, so that might be 5,000-10,000 people. Only a small fraction of those might come to a belief that Yeshua is the Messiah. I have met two, both of Orthodox backgrounds, and both returned to the synagogues, because the Messianic mishmash was not really nourishing to them. The Messianic Movement, when it is not Torah-observant, and run by people with a background in Judaism, and religious training in a yeshiva, does not serve the needs of the very people it says it is set up to serve: Messianic Jews! I understand that in larger cities with a stronger Jewish population base, Messianic congregations can actually operate in a more Torah-observant manner.
In smaller centers, I feel the congregation is hindered by the ignorance of the leaders, who have been secular Jews whose only religious training is in Evangelical Bible schools. They have a veneer of Judaism over their charismatic roots, but they don't understand the philosophy behind it, so what they do is really a kind of travesty that makes observant Jews wince to see it. And, to their surprise, it displeases many of the Gentiles who come to a Messianic congregation, as well -- if they wanted regular evangelical worship, they'd have stayed in the churches they came out of: they are attracted to Jewish understanding and wisdom as well as Jewish worship and practice. Having a Torah service and Hebrew prayers and blessings, spiced with Israeli music and traditional Jewish songs is nice, but when the Torah is not understood or observed, it becomes a show with little substance, and people hunger for more. When they see there are other Gentiles who are more torah-observant than many of the Jewish people in leadership, they often want to know why. And this creates a threat to the leadership.
So, here I am, now, wondering what's going on. I wish the leadership were more well-trained, but that ship has sailed. I would like to see the elders move towards greater respect for the Law of God, but I don't see any indication of that happening. Most of us who worship in a Messianic congregation are happy to be there, and don't want to "rock the boat," but we can't help standing up when we see something wrong being done, or something right being omitted to be done. Also, I have noticed a subtle thing happening, where things are being done, not to worship or glorify or obey God, but to "show solidarity with the Messianic Movement," as one leader said to me. I was aghast, and speechless, which for those who know me, really takes some doing. I couldn't believe the blatant idolatry of it!
Some people are feeling now that maybe we should "create our own group," and I am torn. In one way, that would be so easy, just slink away and start some little thing. Of course, even doing that is a passel of work, and if God wants it done, that's OK, but if He doesn't, what a wasted pile of effort! And that just lets the Messianics off the hook. They have the infrastructure, and they say they are "loyal to Jewish heritage," so let them stand up and show their loyalty. What heritage is that? The Torah! I feel we need to stay and fight for what is right. I think Messianism is something that God has raised up, so it has been under special demonic attack, which has found many congregations and leaders easy prey for many deceptions, including the one of leaving God out, and making it simply a political movement. I don't believe we're meant to leave this battlefield, but if God does not grant us our prayers, we will be given our dishonourable discharge papers long before we've ever been able to make an impact. I pray that His will be done, and that what is just and right prevail, but I pray especially for mercy, because I don't want judgment without a large measure of mercy. It's in God's hands, now, which is where it always has been. We just need to hand it back to Him, and walk in faith. It's going to be hard to do, but the most necessary thing possible.
