IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO FEEL AT HOME ANYWHERE FOR LONG. I am continually restless and find myself easily bothered by various things that I'm sure shouldn't affect me as much as they do. Maybe a lot of it is the cancer, wearing on me, and the fact that I feel so emotionally drained and vulnerable. I don't know.
While I am still pleased to be attending Church of God (Seventh Day), and I've tried to feel like a member, I still feel like an outsider. I guess it doesn't help that Passover and the Days of Unleavened Bread have just come and gone, and, when attending the Passover service at COG7, the minister had to emphasize that this was not the Passover, which was done away, but the "Lord's Supper." There were several guests there that he knew probably saw it as the Passover, as well as myself and a few other regulars, so it felt like an attempt to make a point of excluding or "correcting" us, which soured me somewhat on the service. I hoped that by next year, I would not need to depend on other people for holy day services, and open myself up to this alienation.
Don't get me wrong: I would be happy to attend as a visitor, whether casually or regularly, but to know I have no other alternative does make me feel bereft when I know I can't be myself there, either. I just can't be a member. Maybe that's not important; maybe I shouldn't feel the need for membership. Certainly, the only membership that matters is membership with Christ. Still...one wants a home church where one can be free to be one's self, and not feel like a stranger and a sojourner. Maybe that's not always possible, but it's something I long for.
This Sabbath, there was a special ACTS service (new to me, but it means "Annual Conference Training Seminar), and the theme was "Renewing Our Commitment to Jesus and the Gospel," and it discussed the problem COG7 has had with its exclusivism, and emphasizing its "distinctives" to the point of seeing itself as the only true church, rather than focussing on the gospel of Christ, and the unity of the faith among those who believe in Christ.
I found the video very encouraging, and the points brought out were quite helpful. At one point, the lay panel on the video discussed how it was to come to COG7, and one man said he'd originally come and felt very loved, but after awhile, became aware that, since he didn't agree with everything the church taught, he became quite uncomfortable around certain people. His friend, who was a member, expressed the misgivings he'd had about bringing him in the first place, because he wasn't sure his friend would find the love and acceptance he needed. When it was time for us to respond, I mentioned that I, too, felt that there were certain things I just couldn't discuss in church, because they were taboo subjects, so I also felt like I couldn't be myself. Every church member who responded to this rose to defend their doctrines, and not one said I should ever feel free to speak out. By their answers, they confirmed the problem, as they refused to acknowledge it or see it as a problem. My other friends who are in the same boat felt my comment was "brave" (how that reminds me of the British sitcom, "Yes, Minister!" where the worst thing the bureaucrat can say to the Member of Parliament he advises is that a course of action is "very brave"!) and appropriate to the situation. However, those I most hoped to respond in an open way did not.
Well, not quite. A elderly Spanish gentleman I am fond of spoke out later, and talked about how the church teaches the children about the Sabbath and unclean meats, but not about how to commit themselves to Christ and become "a new creature." He spoke in Spanish, and another man translated, but I think all of us were heartened to hear his words. The Church of God (Seventh Day) in other parts of the world outside North America is a livelier, healthier, and more vital church, very Christ-centered and with a less exclusive mindset. These are the people who must spearhead the revitalization of their North American brethren, but none of this can happen if the people do not open their hearts to the movement of the Holy Spirit. The response I saw to the seminar reminded me of staff responses in large companies to the latest training video -- a patient waiting until it is all over, then continuing on as before. I saw no sign that a single person was willing to consider any movement...those who spoke out positively spoke from the place they were already at.
I applaud Whaid Rose for his uncompromising stand on this subject, and for his efforts to revitalize the church he is leading. For myself, though, and others, we are not sure if we want to wait for the slow changes.
I recently found out that it took COG7 over 120 years to accept the divinity of Christ: it has had a tendency, in North America, to be a very conservative church, exceedingly resistant to change. Even though many readers of the church's "Bible Advocate" were positively disposed to the Holy Days, change is not likely to happen in this area anytime soon. I am beginning to accept that I will probably always be an outsider to this church, much as I do love the people of the congregation, and as much as they care for me, and have prayed for me, and opened their hearts to me.
It seems I am still needing to learn how to love various Christian people as brethren, regardless of our differences: this is a lesson very difficult to learn, after the years in Worldwide, though I had no problem with it before, when I was first converted to Christianity in my teens. This is an ongoing lesson, and I sometimes feel as resistant to change as anyone else.
On the other hand, I would like to meet with others who have more in common with me, doctrinally, or at least, ones I can differ with openly and happily, without feeling I have to hide who I am, what I believe, or otherwise dissemble. Maybe it is time to begin with a small Bible Study, and see if God blesses it, and helps it to grow. Many of us will, no doubt, remain attendees of various churches, as we are now. For most of it, it is "for the people" -- the fellowship with other Christians. That's not a bad reason to come to any church. Time will tell how this all works out.
